It Was A Fine Graduation

May. 29th, 2017 12:30 pm
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High School, Library | Colleyville, TX, USA

(I am a junior in high school. When I return a book I give it to the library’s student aid whose job it is to put the books back and record it on the computer. Years later, the librarian has billed me for the missing book at the end of my senior year. Basically if you don’t pay the fine you don’t get to walk.)

Me: “I gave this book to your student aid last year. Why am I being fined for not returning the book?”

Librarian: “The book isn’t here; you were the last to check it out, therefore you have it.”

Me: “I certainly do not. I gave this book back to your student aid who should have put it back. Go talk to her or look around for it. I told you I turned this in.”

Librarian: “No, you didn’t, otherwise I would have the book.”

Me: “It’s not my fault your student aid didn’t do their job correctly. As I said, I’m not paying this since I turned it in.”

(After the exchange the librarian emailed my homeroom teacher and my guidance counselor who then emailed my parents. My parents were on my side but they told me to pay the stupid fine anyway so I can walk at graduation.)

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May. 29th, 2017 07:00 am
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Grocery|Grocery | Iowa

I work 3rd shift at a local grocery store and pharmacy that also carries stuff like office supplies and liquor, the latter of which is quite popular during my shift. I’m responsible for stocking the shelves and performing general tasks around the store at night, as we’re open 24/7. This includes answering the phone:

Me: Thank you for calling [store]. This is [name] speaking. How may I help you this evening?

Caller: Hi, do you do deliveries?

Me: that depends on what you want delivered. We typically only deliver prescriptions, and that’s only done during [pharmacy hours].

Customer: Do you deliver beer? I really want some beer but I know I’ve drank too much to drive there so I was hoping you guys could just, you know, bring me some.

Me: I’m sorry, but That’s really now something we can do at time of night.

Customer: Alright, sorry to bother you about it. Thanks.

None of my coworkers believe this call happened.

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May. 29th, 2017 07:00 am
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Restaurant|Restaurant | North Carolina, NC, USA

(I am a celiac, so I can’t eat anything containing wheat, barley, or rye. This happened a few years ago when I was out for dinner with my boyfriend. The restaurant has gluten free buns for the burgers, so I’m looking at the burgers.)

Me: (to the waitress) Excuse me, I was wondering if the black bean burger is gluten free?

Waitress: I’m not sure, let me go ask the chef.

(She comes back with the all clear, so i order the burger. on our way home, i start feeling sick, and i realize that something I ate wasn’t safe. While I’m confined to the bathroom, my boyfriend calls the restaurant. After the call, he tells me that the cook said there was no wheat, but there are bread crumbs! How do you get to be a cook not knowing that bread crumbs have wheat? we never went back.)

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Grandma Is Hooked

May. 29th, 2017 07:00 am
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Home | Annapolis, MD, USA

(My grandmother is gushing at a recent family event about how much she loves my liquid lipstick, so she asks me to help her find some before she goes on a cruise with my grandfather for their anniversary. I send her over some pictures of products to take to the local drug store so she’ll know what to look for. A few days later I get this call:)

Me: “Hey, Nanny.”

Grandmother: “Oh, hello! I just wanted to call to tell you, thank you so much for the pictures! They really helped and I got exactly what I wanted!”

Me: “No problem! So glad they were able to help.”

Grandmother: “Hopefully this will help me to get picked up on the street!”

Me: “…what?”

(The only conclusion my mother (whom I called immediately after) and I were able to come up with was that must have meant something different while she was growing up. Either that or she misspoke. Regardless, I’m starting to see my grandmother in a whole new light.)

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Comic for May 29, 2017

May. 29th, 2017 11:59 pm
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May. 29th, 2017 12:00 am
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High School|High School | Florida, Miami

(This takes place during my grade 9 World History Honors class)

Teacher: *talking about tenochtitlan (Aztec capital)*

Dumb Girl #1: “wait how come they didnt have a beach”

Class: “what?”

Dumb Girl #1: “you know a beach like california”

Teacher: *pulls up map of california* “you mean like these?” *points to coast*

Dumb Girl #1: “no like these” *walks up to smartboard and points at a lake*

Class: “oh my god you’re an idiot”

Kid in back: “My heart oh my gid my heart, HELP”

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May. 29th, 2017 12:00 am
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facebook chat|facebook chat | The Netherlands

My friend and I both have quite strong personalities. We just discovered we could change the colour of the facebook chat. We are both in two groupchats.

My friend changes the colour of the one to pink.

Me: b**** h*** that’s pink (friend 1)

Friend 1: yep lol

I change the colour to orange.

Me: too pink for me, let’s go with something neutral

Friend 1: ok sunshine

Friend 1 changes the colour to a very weak green

Friend 1: i like the green

Me: that looks like watered down puke to me

I change the colour to blue.

Me: maybe this?

Friend 1 changes the colour to a very watery brown

I change the colour to light purple.

Friend 1: purple ok

During this conversation I’m talking to another friend in a private chat. I show her screenshots of that chat.

Me: me and (friend 1) are having a colour war in officer chat XD

Friend 2: Lol

Friend 2: has the dreaded fuschia been mentioned? 😛

Mel: you can change the colour of a group chat… (friend 1) changed it to pink… which I didn’t like so I changed it to orange… then she did to green… and I did to blue

Friend 2: lol *has images of the fairy godmothers from sleeping beauty changing Aurora’s dress*

Me: b**** h*** she changed it to poo coloured

Friend 2: ooo

Me: I changed it to purple :p

At the same time in the other chat I decide to change the colour to pink, as we don’t use that one that often.

Me: let’s keep pink for the looney chat

Friend 3: omg

Me: huhuhu

Friend 3: *posts sticker of a pig*

Me: did you just call me a pig? O.o

Friend 3: ehm nope

Friend 3: *posts sticker of dog with teary eyes*

Friend 3: it fits to the chat colour

Me: lol

Friend 3: *posts gif of pig*

Friend 1 then changes that chat’s colour to dark pink.

Friend 1:red that’s better

Me: that’s not red…

I change the colour to orange.

Friend 3: that is dark pink

Me: See, our puppy agrees

Me: This is better than that red

Me: ‘red’

Friend 1 then changes the chat to dark green

Friend 1: green, earth colour

Friend 3: *posts spongebob gif*

Me: this is better than the first green you put. That was just puke colour

Friend 1: lol

Friend 3: *posts picture of a dog in a pile of dung*

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May. 29th, 2017 12:00 am
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Hotel|Hotel | Berlin, Germany

This happened to me ten years ago or so. I was staying at a large (several hundred rooms) four-star hotel in central Berlin, co-organising a congress for 800+ people. Our crew, including technicians, artists and the like, could have very well been sixty-something people. We almost took over the entire hotel for four days, because we rented all of the conference rooms, and our boss requested that we got breakfast served earlier than usual (5.30) so that we could get to work early preparing everything. Needless to say, we were known. I was twenty-five at the time.

Anyway, I’m my boss’s second-in-command, a translator and interpreter in a foreign country working for a crew that did not know the local language. Through this, I got to know almost all of the hotel staff and I was very much known, too, because whenever something needed doing or taking care of, I was the one to contact anybody else in the hotel, and vice-versa – whenever anyone from the hotel would want anything from us, they came to me.

Anyway, this is the last day, three or four a. m., the congress is almost over and the people were just dancing in the main congress hall. I saw my boss asleep at the sound mixing table, so I figured I’m permitted to hit the sack myself. I took the long elevator ride and walk up to my room, only to find that my key card is not working. I find my way down to the reception. Mind You, it’s been a very long few days.

Me [very tired]: Hello. My card seems to not be working any more. Could You recode it for me?

Clerk [definitely older than my father]: Certainly. What is Your room number?

Me: [number]

Clerk: Here You go. Can I get You anything?

I paused. At first I didn’t say anything, I didn’t move because I was so very tired. The clerk was very, very polite with me.

I noticed a shelf with memorabilia from Berlin. As is the usual case with hotels, they were all VERY pricey. I noticed a small teddy bear costing 32 Euros, which was a small fortune for me back then, but I wanted to bring home something nice.

Me: Yes. Could I see that little bear please?

Clerk [hands me the bear]: Here You are.

Me [looking at the bear, then slowly]: I will take it. Please sell it to me. I will pay cash.

Clerk [took the teddy bear from my hands, looked at it, looked at me, and I don’t know why, but he said]: I’m giving it to You as a gift.

Me [almost too tired to be surprised]: Really? Thank You very much, sir. Have a good night.

I walked off, very much stunned. The staff at this hotel were always very, very helpful. I felt the clerk took pity on me because I was so beat up, and he really didn’t have to make that gesture, but he did.

[note: You may leave it or you may delete it, but I want to add: the hotel was named Maritim, and I recommend it]

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Just Make That Your Uniform Response

May. 28th, 2017 05:00 pm
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Supermarket | Sheffield, England, UK

(I work part-time at a very large British supermarket chain and all employees have to wear a reasonably brightly coloured uniform that has the name of the supermarket written on it four times, and a name badge, also with the supermarket’s name as well as our own.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: *dies a little inside and puts on big fake smile* “…yes.”

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Calculated Imagery

May. 28th, 2017 04:30 pm
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High School | AL, USA

(During AP Calculus class I notice something odd about the logo on the front of the solutions manual and raise my hand:)

Me: “Why is there a guy riding a dolphin while blowing a trumpet on the cover of the solutions book?”

Teacher: “Isn’t that how you feel when you’re doing calculus? If you don’t feel like you’re riding a dolphin and blowing a trumpet while you’re doing calculus, then you’re doing something wrong!”

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Taking Meetings Like A Boss

May. 28th, 2017 04:00 pm
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(It’s 7:55 am on a Friday morning.)

Boss: “I have to go to a meeting.”

Coworker: “What kind of crazy person schedules an 8:00 am Friday meeting?”

Boss: “I did.”

Coworker: “Oh…”

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Paying For Your Laziness

May. 28th, 2017 03:00 pm
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Clothing Store, Mall | Ireland

(I work at a four-storey mall on the third floor. An elderly woman walks up to me, asking to double-check the price of the dress she is holding, which is on sale. I go to the cash register to check it.)

Me: “It costs [amount].”

Customer: “I don’t know if I have enough money on my credit card, but I want this dress.”

Me: “We have ATMs on the first floor; you can check your balance there. Meanwhile I can hold onto this dress so when you get back, it’ll still be here.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to go to the first floor. It’s so far away.”

Me: “Ma’am, the escalators are right around this corner. There are also elevators located there—” *I point to them* “—if you find that more convenient.”

Customer: “Can’t you check my credit card balance here?”

Me: “No, I can’t.”

Customer: “Isn’t there really any way?”

Me: “Well, if you try paying by card and don’t have enough funds, the transaction will be declined, but that’s not exactly checking the balance.”

Customer: “Let’s do that, then!”

(I see what kind of customer this is, so I try to avoid misunderstanding as much as possible.)

Me: “So you’ll try paying for the item?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I take her to the cash register and scan the dress.)

Me: “It’ll be [amount]. Are you sure you’re going to pay now? You still have time to go to the first floor.”

Customer: “No, it’s fine. Let’s do this.”

(So she put in the card, inserts the PIN code, and presses the accept button. The transition goes well, I put her dress in a plastic bag, hand her the receipt, and thank her for the purchase. She just stands there with a blank stare.)

Me: “Umm, I’m sorry, ma’am. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Did I… Did I just pay?”

Me: “Yes, you did.”

Customer: “But… I didn’t want to pay for it! I wanted to exchange my recently purchased dress for this one!”

(Our store doesn’t offer refunds. We only offer to change the items for something else of the same value, or to make a gift card for our store in the value of the item purchased.)

Me: “Sorry, but I warned you.” *I explained her our policy*

Customer: “So I won’t get my money back?”

Me: “No. No, you won’t.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you warn me I’m going to pay for the dress for real?!”

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The Cat Caught Your Dog’s Tongue

May. 28th, 2017 02:30 pm
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Home | England, UK

(It’s summer. I’m upstairs; my family and dog are downstairs. When my sister opens the front door to bring in some bags, it takes about two minutes, and then my dog starts barking at the stairs.)

Mum: “What’s wrong?” *dog stares at the top step; my mum sees nothing* “Silly girl.”

(After about five minutes of this repeating, I head downstairs, when I spot green eyes staring at me from the landing window ledge as a walk down, I quickly walk back up.)

Me: “Mum, when did we get a cat?”

Mum: “We don’t have one?”

Me: “We do now!”

(The cat snuck in when no one was looking, except for the dog, which explained her barking. We took the cat outside and it still tries to sneak in years later.)

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Restaurant | Chicago, IL, USA

(I work part time at a to-go buffet where you weigh the customer’s plate.)

Customer: *whips the Styrofoam box at me* “I got fried chicken in there; you ain’t going to weigh them bones!”

Me: *goes to weigh box*

Customer: “You ain’t gunna weigh them bones! I ain’t gunna eat the chicken bones!”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. I have to charge you the weight of the box.”

Customer: “You gunna make me pay for the chicken bones? What am I supposed to do with the bones?”

Me: “You could make a necklace out of them.”

Customer: “Huh?!”

(I repeated it. She demanded a manager and since it was only my first week and the manager had already had a stern talk with me the day before about how I wasn’t smiling, I got fired.)

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Should Stick To 2D Printing

May. 28th, 2017 01:30 pm
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Home|Home | CA, USA

(I’m sitting on my computer talking to several friends over a group chat about the RPG we’re going to be soon playing, when as usual, the conversation derails when my best friend eerily knows exactly what I’m looking at on my computer. It’s important to note that this BFF was one of the groomsmen for my husband when we got married, flew out 3000 miles from where we grew up to be at the wedding, and he’s 6’2″.)

Me: “Get out of my computer, [BFF].”

BFF: “Don’t you know, [My Name], I’m always in your computer. You had to 3D print me for your wedding.”

Me: *without even thinking* “No, I didn’t. I would never use that much material.”

(A long pause, before BFF’s girlfriend and the other two in the chat burst into hysterical laughter.)

BFF: “RUDE!”

Me: “WHAT? NO I MEANT THAT YOU WERE TALL; NOT YOUR WEIGHT.”

(Cue all of us including BFF devolving into giggles.)

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Pound For Pound

May. 28th, 2017 12:30 pm
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Middle School | KY, USA

(We’re back in school after the summer break, and our teacher is one that we’ve had from a class the year before. I had a major growth spurt over the summer, and I’m now slightly taller than he is. At the same time, he’s lost a noticeable amount of weight.)

Teacher: “I would probably guess that [My Name] and I weigh about the same now. How much do you weigh?”

Me: “Umm… About 135 lbs.”

Teacher: *scowls* “Well, so much for THAT theory!”

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May. 28th, 2017 09:00 am
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Jr. High School|Jr. High School | Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Sometime when I was about 6 or 7, I was playing in the bathtub and I had a couple cups. I filled one with hot water from the tap and another with cold. Why? Why not? Think of all the things small children do to amuse themselves at bath-time. I decided to try an experiment in the tub with cups of water. Wow! Awesome! Junior Scientist files the results for later.

Later.

8th grade science class. I think I frustrated my teacher. I always asked the questions she couldn’t answer. One day, she had a question for the class.

Teacher: Ok, class, I need a volunteer. [volunteer goes to the front of class] I have two cups. One has hot water, and one has cold water. Polyanna here is going to dip one finger in the hot water and one finger of her other and in the cold water. After a minute , which finger will feel colder? Let’s see a show of hands. Is it the finger dipped in the cold water?

[all hands but mine go up]

Teacher: Will it be the finger dipped in hot water?

[my hand goes up]

Teacher: Oh, well, ok. Let’s keep going. Pollyanna, put your fingers in the cup and take them out.

I think you can guess what I figured out in my bathtub when I was little. Yup. Now I’m a science geek. And if you missed this science experiment, the hot water evaporates faster and somewhat paradoxically cools the wet finger faster than does the cold water.

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May. 28th, 2017 08:00 am
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Retail|Retail | Chicago

We have a back room where customers can watch preselected movies, in a little booth, for a $3 fee. I was in the middle of my shift when a customer approached the counter.)

Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with the back room?”

Me: “We have movies back there. You pay $3, and get ten minutes to watch one if the movies.”

Customer: *horrified/disgusted look* “Are you kidding me? Guys just sit back there, watch porn, and touch themselves! That’s completely disgusting!”

(He leaves the counter, and circless the store a few times. All the while, looking at the back rooms and muttering to himself about how disgusting the floors must be. A short time later, he approaches the counter again.)

Customer: *drops a $5 bill onto the counter* “I’ll take $3 for the back.”

Me: “……..”

Me

Me: “

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May. 28th, 2017 08:00 am
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Theme Park|Theme Park | Toronto, ON, Canada

I work at the biggest theme park in Canada who pride themselves on giving guests “the best day ever!”

I am Jewish and do not have much experience with other cultures and religions.

Two women come up to the cash at my store.

Me: Your total is $16.66. How would you like to pay?

The two women gasp.

Woman #1: *angrily* What did you say?!

Me: *thinking their upset at the expensive amount* I know it’s expensive but I actually own some of these toys and their very good quality.

Woman #2: Get me your manager! How dare you say that wicked number to us!

I look at my atheist coworker next to me who shrugs so I run and get my Team Lead.

Team Lead: *after I explain to her what happened* [My Name] did they have crosses on their necks?

Me: Why? Is this some kinda Christian thing?

Team lead: *laughs* how can you possibly not know 666 is the devils number.

Me: There’s probably a lot of Jewish stuff that I think is common knowledge but you don’t know about.

Team Lead: *pauses* Oh…you’re probably right.

Me: Remember when I asked for Shavuot off. Did I laugh when you and the area supervisor had to google Shavuot to even know it was a holiday?

Team Lead: Alright, alright I get it. You’re “woke” or whatever.

She walks away to deal with the Christian women and I throw my hands in their air in frustration.

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