Their Fish Are About To Be Liquidated

May. 25th, 2017 09:00 pm
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Pet Store | Austin, TX, USA

(I am working the fish department when a customer comes up to me, smelling very strongly of marijuana. His eyes are bloodshot and his pattern of speech is a bit off.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Do you have liquid food for fish? My baby fish are too small for normal food.”

Me: “Um, I really don’t think so since they would be breathing it in and that’s not good for them. But we can look?”

(I lead him to the fish food section.)

Me: “It doesn’t look like we do. What are you feeding the adult fish?”

Customer: “Flakes but they are too big!”

Me: “Maybe you could just crumble the food smaller for them?”

Customer: “You know what? That could work… Thank you!”

(Not sure how he thought fish were going to eat liquid food while they are floating in water.)

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It’s All About Who You Don’t Know

May. 25th, 2017 08:30 pm
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Outside | Wokingham, England, UK

(I’ve just finished walking my dog and have come out of the field onto a side road to walk home. Opposite me, standing still, is an older woman with several shopping bags. About 25m in front of her, walking the same direction as me, is a younger woman with her dog. I do not know either of these women and this is the first time I’ve ever seen the younger woman or her dog at the field.)

Older Woman: “Excuse me. Is that—” *mumbles something whilst pointing down the road towards the younger woman*

Me: “I’m sorry, is that what?”

Older Woman: *crossing street towards me* “Is that [Name]?” *points at younger woman*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know. I’ve never met her before.”

Older Woman: “It looks like [Name]. Do you think it’s [Name]?”

Me: “I really have no clue, sorry.” *starts walking home again*

Older Woman: *now walking alongside me* “It looks like [Name]. You know… [Name]! She used to work at that animal charity shop in town. It really does look like [Name]; she said she was going to get a job with animals.” *suddenly yelling* [NAME]!”

(The younger woman turns around — apparently it was Name! — and seems to recognise the older woman as she stops walking and waves.)

Older Woman: “I told you it was [Name]. I’m so glad she’s still working with animals.”

(We’ve now got to the point where we’re parallel with the younger woman.)

Older Woman: “Do you want to say hello to [Name]? She’s very nice.”

Me: “Umm, no, I’m fine, thanks. I don’t know [Name]. Plus her dogs wearing a service dog in training harness so I’m going to keep my dog away as he can be a bit bouncy.”

Older Woman: “Oh… yes… that’s probably a good idea. [Name] was always good with animals and we don’t want her to lose her job if the training goes wrong. Well, thank you for your help!”

(The older woman then patted me on the shoulder and crossed over the road still calling out the younger woman’s name!)

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Rated PG-30

May. 25th, 2017 08:00 pm
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Supermarket | England, UK

(I’ve picked up some odds and ends and go to pay.)

Cashier: “Do you have ID?”

Me: *looking at my purchases* “What for?”

Cashier: “The film.”

Me: “It’s a 12 rating!”

Cashier: *looks at the DVD, back to me, a 30-year-old man, then back to the DVD* “Yeah, I think I can let you go this time.”

Me: “Thanks?”

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Makeout Sessions Leave You Tapped Out

May. 25th, 2017 07:30 pm
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(My boyfriend and I are spending the night together, and we’ve started making out.)

Boyfriend: *in between kisses* “Come on, show me what you can do.”

Me: “I can tap dance.”

Boyfriend: “No, in bed.”

Me: “Well, I’ve never tried tap dancing in bed, but I can give it a shot.”

Boyfriend: *bursts out laughing* “I was hoping you were going to take it in that direction!”

(After six years, I guess he would know what my sense of humor is like.)

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Customers Happen…

May. 25th, 2017 07:00 pm
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Gift Store | New Zealand

(A customer comes up to the counter with a novelty mug in a box. The mug has ‘S*** Happens’ on it. It’s all of 10 dollars.)

Customer: “I wanted to buy this and when I picked it up the box nearly fell apart! I almost dropped it and I want you to know that if I had, there’s no way in h*** I would pay for it!”

Me: “I’m sorry the box nearly fell apart. Would you like me to get you another box for it?”

Customer: “No. This is what’s wrong with the world!”  *she slams the mug onto counter and the box goes flying off the counter* “I want nothing to do with your store ever again!”

Me: *unable to contain myself and risking getting fired* “Well, as the mug says…”

Customer: *storms off*

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Home | CA, USA

(My history textbook is awful. It’s full of typos and if I need to know something, it’s most likely barely covered, if even mentioned at all. I’m trying to do a report on Great Britain in the 1800s, and my mom knows all sorts of stuff from the era due to watching British historical dramas. We are discussing Queen Victoria, as her reign encompassed most of the time period I’m writing about, and comparing her knowledge to what’s in my textbook.)

Mom: “She married her first cousin.”

Me: “It doesn’t tell me that. She married a German prince, Albert.”

Mom: “Who was her first cousin.” *explains how Victoria and Albert were related*

Me: “It doesn’t tell me any of that! I only have, like, five paragraphs on her!”

Mom: “Does it tell you her dog’s name?”

Me: *scans* “Nope.”

Mom: “Oh. Well, I figured it would tell you some useless, random fact, like her dog’s name or something.”

Me: *scans again* “She had 36 grandchildren…”

Mom: “Yeah, she had nine kids!”

Me: “Well, it doesn’t tell me that!”

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Blinded By Their Prejudice

May. 25th, 2017 06:00 pm
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Car Dealership | IL, USA

(My beloved car that my husband and I share is dying, and my parents are looking to upgrade. We all go car shopping together. My father is with us, and is a rather obviously blind man with a guide dog.)

Salesman #1: “So, what can I do for you folks?”

Mom: “Well, we were thinking of getting a Mercedes SUV. And my daughter is looking to replace her car with something affordable. So you can either show them a car they like in their price range, or convince me and my husband to buy the new SUV and sell my daughter our old car.”

Salesman #1: *laughs* “Let me get someone who specializes in what you need.”

(Ten minutes pass.)

Salesman #2: “So, I hear you two kids are looking for an economy car?”

Mom: “Or, you could sell me a brand new Mercedes…”

(Salesman #2 looks at her strangely, then proceeds to show me and my husband the cheapest used car on the lot. After we say a few times that we were looking for something a little nicer, the salesman wanders off, never to return. As the four of us leave, we happen to pass the salesman who first helped us, sitting in his office.)

Salesman #1: “Did you folks find what you wanted?”

Mom: “Well, no… You guys never showed us the high-end SUV we were looking for.”

Me: “And I was only shown the one cheapest car on the lot. I was looking for something affordable, but…”

Salesman #1: “Look, we aren’t going to be able to do financing for anything more that that for folks in your situation.”

Me: “Our situation?”

Salesman #1: “If a bank isn’t going to approve a loan, we can’t show you—”

Me: “Why do you think a bank wouldn’t approve a loan?”

Mom: “You didn’t even ask us anything?”

Salesman #1: “Well, for folks on disability benefits…”

(My dad, who is not much of a talker, finally pipes up.)

Dad: “What, you think my daughter is disabled?”

(The salesman looked at him, confused. He continued to look confused as we left. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that blind people can have jobs — and so can their offspring!)

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What A Nit Wit

May. 25th, 2017 05:30 pm
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Home | Sydney, NSW, Australia

(I have noticed that my toddler is getting head lice quite a bit. She really only has access to my sister’s school aged daughter. I mention it to my sister.)

Sister: *snapping* “It’s not my fault. [Niece] is always getting them at school. It’s the school’s fault; they don’t check the other kids’ hair. I keep ringing and giving them a piece of my mind!”

(It keeps going on until one day I am over at my sister’s place with some of her friends and she’s hit her head hard.)

Sister: “[My Name], can you check if my head is bleeding?”

(I lift her hair and quickly drop it.)

Sister: “Well, is it bleeding?”

Me: *in a low voice so her friends don’t hear* “No, but your hair is full of nits.”

Sister: “It can’t be. Adults don’t get nits.”

Me: *still low* “Yes, they do. Don’t you treat your hair when you do [Niece]’s?”

Sister: *now yelling at me* “I DON’T NEED TO! ADULTS DON’T GET F****** NITS!”

(All of my sister’s friends said “Yes, they do.” I raced off to wash my hands. Of course, later my sister yelled at me again for embarrassing her in front of her friends. I went home and treated my and my daughter’s hair just in case, and yes, she stopped getting nits.)

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How To Run An Idiot Survey

May. 25th, 2017 05:00 pm
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IT, Tech Support | Dallas, TX, USA

(I work at one of the largest real estate and property management firms in the world as a help desk analyst. Now and then IT security will send out a fake phishing email to test users and to educate them on phishing messages. These usually have some enticing message with a link that leads to a video that educates the users on phishing, including why they should NOT have clicked on the link. This morning, they apparently felt like we weren’t getting enough calls and sent out one of their messages. This one said that management wanted to have the employees take a survey to make sure they are meeting the needs of the employees (that should have been the first clue). After taking the survey the employee might get a gift card (yay, another clue!). Throughout the morning the calls were all very straightforward, and then this call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service desk. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I received an email about an employee survey, but when I clicked the link it just gave me a video. There was no survey! Can you help?”

Me: “The email that you received was a test and educational message that was sent out from INFOSEC. The video just goes over the dangers of clicking links in emails from unknown senders, especially those that promise things like gift cards.”  *thinking she is afraid there might be a virus or something* “There is no danger to your computer and we don’t need to run any virus scan. Everything is okay.”

Caller: “I watched the video, but it never gave me the survey! I think there is something wrong with the survey.”

Me: “Ma’am, the video is all there is. It’s just to educate you about phishing. It even explained in the video why the email you received should have been deleted.”

Caller: “So you mean there is no employee survey?”

Me: “No… There is no survey. Just the video telling you that you did bad by clicking on the link. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “No, but I still want the survey.”

Me: “Thank you for calling.”

(Some people simply cannot be helped.)

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High School | Duncan, BC, Canada

(During one of our classes, my friend and I share a table with a few other students. Superman Returns has just come out, and we are arguing about it.)

Friend: “That kid was totally Superman’s son!”

Me: “Nope. Can’t be. In the comics, Superman warns Supergirl about being with humans because we’re too fragile.”

Friend: “But he had powers!”

Me: “Nope. Not his kid. I refuse to believe it.”

Friend: “It has to be!”

Me: “Nope. Humans are too fragile. He—”

Classmate: *slams fist on the table* “WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT KRYPTONITE CONDOMS?!”

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The Depths They Go To

May. 25th, 2017 04:00 pm
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Office | Sheffield, South Yorkshire, UK

(I am working data entry for a utilities company contracted for gas works by the British National Grid. I get data sheets from the contractors to enter into the computer system. The sheets, among other things, give the length, width, and depth of the hole they have dug to reach the gas supply. When I’ve entered the first three on a sheet I notice that every time, instead of the depth, the contractor has given the surface area (length x width). Seeing that it’s the same on all of them I ask my supervisor what to do.)

Supervisor: “No, we don’t record surface area.”

Me: “That’s my point. Look here; what they’ve given as depth is surface area.”

Supervisor: “It’s a coincidence. Just enter the data.”

Me: “But they’re all the same; surface area, not depth.”

Supervisor: “The data is correct. You don’t need to think about it. Just enter it.”

Me: “But here it says the hole was 7m deep.”

Supervisor: “Well, obviously that should be 0.7m. They missed a decimal place out. Correct that. But you really don’t need to think about the data. Just enter it into the system.”

(I went back to my desk and entered the data as instructed, then over lunch I started searching for another job. Not even paying for my Masters degree was worth been basically told ‘we don’t pay you to think.’)

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The Guys Who Linger In Lingerie

May. 25th, 2017 03:30 pm
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(I am about 16 or 17 working at a low end department store in the lingerie department. I am also tiny, 5’0″ – 110 lbs, and look much younger than my age. A man who looks to be in his 50s or 60s comes in and starts browsing while creepily staring at me. I can feel him staring and notice that he has undone the top few buttons of his shirt. As I am trying to figure out what to do he grabs something off the rack and approaches me holding up a tiny, yellow lace negligee.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you are about the same size as my wife and I was wondering if you could try this on for me so I can see how it’ll look like on my wife.”

Me: “Uh, NO!”

(Cue security escorting him out.)

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Fast Food, Restaurant | Pittsburg, CA, USA

(A well-known burger place is running a promotion of 10 chicken nuggets for just under $1.50. I order the nuggets and fries at the drive-thru. When I reach the window, the employee looks at me, confused.)

Employee: “Um, can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I ordered the nuggets and fries?”

(His eyes get huge, he leans out the window to stare at the truck ahead of me, which is leaving.)

Employee: “Uh, please wait one moment!”

(He races out of sight, presumably to check the queue of orders. He comes back, still looking confused.)

Employee: “I’m so, so sorry, ma’am. I recognize your voice. The lady in the car ahead of you never placed an order. She just paid for, and took, your meal.”

Me: “Well that’s a new one on me…”

(I paid for my order and got it, of course. Does anyone want to bet that she came back later, complaining that she got the ‘wrong order’ for the food she never ordered in the first place?)

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You’re The Night-Light Of My Life

May. 25th, 2017 02:30 pm
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Home | Duncan, BC, Canada

I am nine years old. It is my bedtime, and my mom has to go out of the house for a short time (I think just to do something in the basement; she wasn’t leaving me all alone on the property).

I am a huge bookworm, and have a tendency to use my nightlight to read after bedtime. Before she goes out, she makes me promise not to read with my nightlight.

I promised, but the minute she is out of the house I turn on every single light in my room except for the nightlight, and get down to reading.

When she gets back twenty minutes later, she obviously sees the light coming from my room, comes in, and says my full name in an ominous/teasing tone. I simply grin and tell her I’d only promised not to use my NIGHT-light, not any of the others.

I was a bit of a smart-a** as a kid.

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Tantrum For Two (Video)

May. 25th, 2017 02:15 pm
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(When I was five years old, I was a bit of a brat. Whenever my parents took me shopping, I would throw a fit if I saw something I wanted. They have tried scolding me, putting me in time-out, grounding me, etc. but nothing worked. Then one day that all changed….)

Me: *seeing a toy I want* “Daddy, can I have this?”

Dad: “No, it’s expensive and you already have enough toys.”

Me: “But, I want it!”

Dad: “No, you can’t have it. We need to go home.”

Me: “I WAAAAANNNTT IT! AAAAAAAHHHHH!” *I start throwing things and rolling on the floor crying*

(My dad, who was acting unusually calm, suddenly does something I never expected.)

Dad: *red faced with obvious, but forced, tears running down his face* “I WANT TO GO HOME! I MISS MOMMY!”

Me: “Uh… what are you doing?”

Dad: *he reaches into the cart and throws all the non-breakable things he was going to buy (pillows, towels, etc.) on the floor* “AAAAAAAHHHHH! I WANT TO GO HOME!”

(I thought this was incredibly stupid and embarrassing and that he looked insane. I never had a public tantrum after that.)

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We Eat People Like You For Breakfast

May. 25th, 2017 02:00 pm
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Hotel | USA

(Our hotel offers both free breakfast and dinner, and so we have a breakfast supervisor and a dinner supervisor. One day, during breakfast, the dinner supervisor calls on the phone.)

Dinner Supervisor: “I need to speak with the breakfast supervisor.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll transfer you over there.”

Dinner Supervisor: “Okay, thanks.”

(The call gets transferred but no one picks up. Breakfast is in full swing. The call kicks back to me.)

Dinner Supervisor: “No one picked up! What are they DOING over there? Probably sitting on their lazy a** doing their nails!”

Me: “Actually, we are sold out and they are extremely busy and–”

Dinner Supervisor: *scoffs* “‘Extremely’? Pfft! Yeah right! I went over there in the morning once and it was soooo slow. If you want to see busy, you should see dinner time, baby!”

Me: “Well, maybe we weren’t sold out when you visited.”

(She ignores that and again asks that I go over there, find, and pull the breakfast supervisor to the phone physically. I manage to do so, and she is out of breath from running around so hard, and sweaty. They speak and hang up, and the breakfast supervisor rolls her eyes, and goes back into the fray. A few minutes later after that, the dinner supervisor arrives in person. She looks over at the loud, bustling dining room.)

Dinner Supervisor: *very bemused* “Huh, I guess it IS busy! Who knew… Strange… I came here just last week in the morning and it wasn’t!”

Me: “Because we didn’t have a lot of customers, maybe?”

(The wheels in her head finally turned as she realized, then she nodded once and walked off. Never again did she bother the breakfast crew in the mornings or call them lazy. Sad to say that she’s been working here for 10 years and never thought about anyone else working hard.)

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Will Not Be Party To Your Attitude

May. 25th, 2017 01:30 pm
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Home | Winnipeg, MB, Canada

(When my daughter was little, she became friends with another little girl. I met her mother occasionally, and for some reason the mother seemed to take a dislike to me right from the start. Then one day, this happened.)

Daughter: “Look what [Friend] gave me!” *hands me a piece of construction paper with a child’s writing on it*

Me: “What’s this? Oh, a party invitation?”

(It very clearly said “Come to my party on Date.”)

Daughter: “Yeah! Can I go?”

Me: “Sure! I’ll call her mom and let her know you’ll be coming.”

(I call.)

Friend’s Mother: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi there, this is [My Name], [Daughter]’s mom. Thanks very much for the party invitation; [Daughter] would love to come.”

Friend’s Mother: “Excuse me?”

(Thinking that she hasn’t heard me, I repeat myself.)

Friend’s Mother: “EXCUSE me?”

Me: “Sorry, is there a problem?”

Friend’s Mother: “I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s no party.”

Me: “Oh? But [Daughter] got an invitation from [Friend].”

Friend’s Mother: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no party.”

Me: “Okay… but if [Daughter] got an invitation, maybe other kids did too, and you might find them showing up at your door on [Date].”

Friend’s Mother: “Whatever.” *hangs up*

(No idea what happened there. My guess is that my daughter’s friend had asked for a party, was told no, and then – with a child’s logic – figured that if she sent out invitations, her mom would have no choice but to allow it. That attitude from her mom was totally uncalled for, though. I’m pretty sure she thought I was lying, but to what end, I couldn’t tell you!)

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Coffee Clubbed To Death

May. 25th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Pool | Canada

(There is a certain day of the week where you have to prepare coffee if you open. The coffee is free and it starts out as a small initiative for customer appreciation. Unfortunately, a group a seniors take this out of hand and create the most ungrateful coffee club in existence. First of all, they have a “seating order” for those who come for coffee and if you’re not in the club, you can’t sit with them. Secondly, some people just come to have the coffee, not even work out, and act like they can order around the other patrons who want coffee. Lastly, they complain about the coffee every time, no exaggeration, and it’s free. My last straw with them happens when I take an opening shift on this day for the first time in awhile. I am surprised to find two coffee machines there instead of the one I was familiar with, so I decide on using the bigger one I am used to. I’m not a coffee drinker, but I had no complaints all morning. When they come, I watch them call over my co-worker, who relays this message to me:)

Coworker: “So they’re not happy with the coffee.”

Me: “Oh, what’s wrong with it?”

Coworker: “Well, personally, I think nothing is wrong with it, but they said and I quote ‘did you fill the machine with pool water’?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Yup, they wanted me to tell you that you should use the smaller coffee machine because they gave money to this place specifically so they could buy a new one. The big one is apparently too old and that’s why the smaller one was purchased.”

Me: “Oh, I had no idea; I’ll go apologize.”

(I did just that and they “forgave me,” but wouldn’t stop talking about how they used their money for this new machine and they didn’t like that it wasn’t being used. When my boss came in later, I told her my story in case she received a complaint.)

Me: “…and so I used the bigger coffee machine, not realizing that they had purchased the smaller one and wanted—”

Boss: “Hold up, what? Say that again?”

Me: “Uh, I wasn’t familiar with the smaller one they bought for this place, so I used—”

Boss: “Oh, my god, they told you they bought that?”

Me: “They didn’t?”

Boss: “Absolutely not. That was purchase made through the centre.”

Me: “But they went on about how they bought it specifically for their club.”

Boss: “I’m sure in their eyes they think they did using only their seniors discount on their membership.”

(To make matter worse, I am talked into doing the same shift the next week and, because I wasn’t familiar with the machine, I don’t realize it isn’t brewing coffee until 30 minutes after we open. I fix this issue by the time one of the people from the club come in, so I just warn them to wait a few minutes.)

Me: “Hi there, just a heads up. There were some issues with the machine this morning but there will be fresh coffee for you guys in just five minutes.”

Customer #1: “Oh, okay.”

(A few minutes later, another coffee club member joins her.)

Customer #1: “So, there’s no coffee today.”

Customer #2: “What?”

Me: “No, there is. There was just some technical issues this morning. You just have to wait a few more minutes until it’s brewed.”

Customer #2: “Oh, okay.”

(Customer #3 walks in.)

Customer #2: “Did you hear?”

Customer #1: “There’s no coffee today.”

Customer #3: “What?”

Me: *face palms*

(They did this for EVERY member of the coffee club that walked in, even when they got their coffee. I never took that shift again.)

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Dying Of Laughter

May. 25th, 2017 12:30 pm
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High-School | QC, Canada

(It’s in the late ’70s. I’m in high school. The principal is a really strict man, always in shirt, tie, and jacket. He has a really firm voice and is very direct in everything he says. But, apparently, he has a funny side not many of the students know about. He makes general announcements on the PA system from time to time. Generally, they are serious and straight-forward. This one, however, takes place after the New Year’s break.)

Announcement: “Attention, students:

It has been given to my attention that some students are dying under the workload given. So, starting today, every dying student must fill out a new form available from the administration’s office, in three copies, where he has to describe the cause of death. Once completed, he has to give one copy to the administration’s office, one to his parents, and the last one is to be lost somewhere on [School Counselor]’s junk-filled desk. Please be advised that if a dying student fails to fill the forms, he will be put in detention for as long as the forms are not properly filled. Thank you; have a nice day.”

(My older sister (12 years older) had him as a teacher, before he became principal, and said that he was a real joker. He had to straighten up his act for the principal’s job, but apparently, some things are hard to let go.)

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(no subject)

May. 25th, 2017 10:00 am
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College | CA, USA

(I’m a college athlete. The student parking lot at our college is a half mile away from the gym, so it’s a bit of a walk. We’re lucky enough to have practice at 6:00 am every day, when no campus shuttles are running. On this day, it’s absolutely pouring rain as what’s being called the storm of the century hits town. The wind is also howling in our faces as I walk to the gym with a couple of my teammates.)

Teammate 1: what’s up boys? (Jumps on teammate 2’s back)

Teammate 2: please get off me

Teammate 1: aww don’t be such a sour puss. Isn’t today such a beautiful day?

Teammate 2: only good weather for ducks and dicks man

Teammate 1: don’t put me out of my good mood. Go to hell man.

(Suddenly a huge downpour picks up and drenches us.)

Teammate 2: fuck it man. Hell cant be worse than this.

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